Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here