jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
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I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Finally! 😈
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot