I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
necessity is the mother of invention
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Hmmmmm
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Whisper out to librarians!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.