Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
it’s the silliest best thing
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.