friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.