No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
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My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go