If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Alexa; make it look like an accident
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real