I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.


Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water


Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.


Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice


Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”


HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”


The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.


Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late