I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
inventing words: clothing
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
how it started vs how it ended