Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

The biggest mystery of our time

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Generation gap…

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.