I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not