I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
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I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.