idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me