I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.