shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I don’t know what to do
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back