It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.