If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator