The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.