if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks