(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”