[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.