Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
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My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it