Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed