Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Made something I’m not proud of
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point