You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!