I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit