Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Phonetics
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!