8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”