Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]