[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Actually cracking up @ this
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Somebody call the cops.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.