“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
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jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone