I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
That 👊
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
sigh
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
this is what they would have looked like, though
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.