My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The absolute effort that went into this omg
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.