Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me