Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
✌🏽
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given