Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
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the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.