Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide