@BerrymoreBlue

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

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@danjan13

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

@DanMentos

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

@QwertyJones3

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

@KentWGraham

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

@ShaeAaron

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

@harriweinreb

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

@mdob11

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

@frankzulla

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

@thejessbess

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

@JB4Realz

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.