Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.