Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Probably my best painting.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.