Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
classic mixup
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.