Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
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As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Lmbo
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I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?