Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My favorite female superhero
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.