What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know