To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.