My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Catering service
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.