For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.