For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy