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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
and now we wait
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust