How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
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BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch