[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.