People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please