Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
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Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I might carry a baby with one hand.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Erm…
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
me adding lol on a serious message
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*