4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Herpes is trending, good job people
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My dad.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China