how much for the angry fruit?
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Your secret is safeish with me
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Oh we’ve met.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.