me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.