Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.